Very recently, while navigating the wonderland of social media, I came across a status update that really bothered me. Another mom had recently judged my friend, a well educated, strong, competent woman, because she has chosen to stay at home to raise her child. By the sounds of it, the criticism was more than a scornful glance.
Let’s be honest, there are very good arguments to be made for going back to work. There are equally as valid arguments for staying home. The right decision, ultimately, is the one that is right for your family.
The truth is, I am envious of my friend’s opportunity to stay at home. These young years are so full of wonderful development, and I am in awe of how much our 18-month-old learns every day. Nate is a remarkable little man and so funny. He gives the sweetest hugs and open-mouth kisses imaginable and sings funny little songs to himself while practicing and practicing and practicing going up and down the bottom stair like a grown-up. I want more of this wonder, not less.
I also have friends who returned to work full-time before their year of maternity leave was up. And the truth is, I am envious of them, too.
I am not fickle by nature, but I am now acutely aware of the educated, career-woman—mother paradox that resonates strongly in many of us. We love working, learning, and being a productive member of the adult world; we thrive on it, even. But once we met our beautiful babies and bonded with them, we couldn’t imagine leaving them everyday. I could never have understood how much anxiety this paradox would cause me until Nate was born.
Moms are under enough stress as it is. I haven’t met an honest mom, yet, who nonchalantly brushes off the challenge of sleepless nights, missed meals, poop consistency problems, how to deal with a child who bites (even if it’s just temporary), public displays of toddler insanity, or peering guiltily through the crack in the closing door of a carefully chosen day home to blow one last apologetic kiss while watching tears pour from the swollen eyes of our confused child.
Every child, every family, every circumstance is different. It’s unfathomable to me that anyone could grasp the situation of another person’s intimate family dynamic and pass credible judgment on them. It’s just not possible. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s not acceptable.
What we need, as mothers, is community. We need support, sharing, and compassion. Sometimes we need to cry together. Sometimes we laugh together because crying is too scary. Sometimes we laugh so much about our crazy lives that we cry tears of relief.
The balance is a tricky one, especially when the competing interests are each so strong, valid, and rewarding. And in total honesty, I still haven’t found the right balance. But everyday I continue looking and creating. Everyday I continue trusting my instinct. And everyday I continue having faith that I will recognise opportunities when they come and add them to the pile of challenging privileges that being a mother is made of.
What does the paradox of returning to work versus staying at home look like for you and your family?
Have you received judgment for the decision you made, whether returning to work or staying at home?
I would love to hear your story and reflections and invite you to leave your comments below.
Thanks for reading.
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